The purpose of this blog is to bring together various resources about domestic abuse, including domestic violence. The information will include examples of the crime so that it can be identified and reported as well as alarming statistics and tips on how to take action against it.
There will also be a section on the blog for former victims to share their stories and offer advice anonymously. Let's work together to end domestic violence.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Share your story
Are you or someone you know in an abusive relationship? Victim of domestic violence? Have your or someone you know overcome it? Please share your story. I hope that it will be helpful in understanding the various ways domestic violence occurs.
This was my wake-up call. I could defend myself if I had to..my cat only had his teeth and claws, which are not much use against a full grown man. So I told David he had choices, he could go to counseling and tell them everything, if they said nothing was wrong...I would stay, if he went and they said he needed to come back and he did, I would stay..if he didn't go I was leaving. Notice...this was honor system, he refused. I left. I did not get counseling, I felt I was more than capable of dealing with it on my own..I didn't tell my friends, I had no idea how they would react since my family treated me as if it was my fault.
He saw me on a BBS 6 months later and asked if he could call me, I was at a friends and they said sure. The phone call went ok, he asked me to come back..I said no. When I hung up the phone I looked around, there were 8 of us there, 2 girls including me and 6 very, very big guys. Everyone was staring at me as if they wanted to beat my ass into the floor. One of them looked at me, came over and I cringed back in my chair not knowing what to do. He cupped my chin and made me look at him and said "You are still afraid of him and you are a thousand miles away...what did he do to you?" I started crying. I do not know who was more upset that day, me at realizing I needed help, or my friends when they heard the story. I do know that David was a lucky man to be so far away.
5 years later he called me (he had called regularly over those years to say he had changed and it was always bullshit...for heavens sake we had the same friends..I heard the stories) he said he had gotten counseling finally and had changed. He actually had this time, everyone of our mutual friends couldn't believe the changes in him. He asked me to come back and again I told him no. He asked me why? Didn't I love him? Of course I did..so much, he was my first love....but I knew if I went back, every day for the rest of my life I would wonder if today was the day it would all change again...and he would know I was wondering. Not fair to him, not fair to me.
I am not telling this story because I want pity. I grew, I learned, I healed. I became a better counselor for abused women because I GOT it. I knew where they were coming from. I recognize the signs better now, I have helped many women, and they have helped me. I simply felt that maybe with all the posts about abuse...it might help some to understand why we stay. Even the strongest (men or women) can become a victim. If it starts at small things, take notice, draw a line...realize no matter what mistake you made..it never justifies a punch or hurtful verbal attacks. There is a pattern in abusers. Learn it, pay attention and always have someone you can call if you need help getting out.
When I was 12 I fell in love for the first time, no scoffing..I did. I looked up, my heart stopped and I was a goner. David was charming, intelligent, treated me like gold and 13.
At first it was wonderful, we had some minor problems but always things we were able to work through. I went to college at 16, he was still in high school (I had combined years to graduate early, an option he didn't have)which led to the normal teenage angst of how would I get to his prom *grins*, I did and it was a magical night, and we got engaged.
When I turned 18 I moved back to La and moved in with him. So I could go to college there since my residency was New Orleans. As plans go it was great, in reality? It was a disaster.
Little things started setting him off, me chatting with men on BBS', not having dinner ready on time etc. etc. Soon, he was shouting at me, then it was things being thrown at me. Every time I had either done something 'wrong' or I had not done what I should have. I started to believe he was right, I was a screwup.
One day he wouldn't get up for class and I went and grabbed ice and told him to get up or I would use it...he got up. I put the ice back and came back into the room....he was asleep again. Laughing I put my hands on him to shake him awake again...next thing I knew I was hitting a wall and my face was on fire. He had punched me and while I was reeling from that backhanded me. I slid down the wall stunned...I had always sworn NO ONE would ever lay a hand on me in anger.
I am not sure what hurt more that day, my face...or the emotional damage that had caused. He was my life, I loved him with that passion you only find in a first love...and he had hit me.
It was my fault, it had to be. He was right..I shouldn't have touched him with cold hands. I had asked for it. For 6 years it had been perfect, I was willing to do anything to get him to love me that way again. I became quiet, it took two weeks for the bruising to go away so I didn't leave the house claiming I had the flu to friends. Dinner was never late again, I didn't joke about ice, I tended to him first when the cat would scratch him (if I took care of my scared cat first...he tormented my cat and said I loved the cat more than him). My whole life revolved around not making him angry again...and when i did, it was always because my natural sarcasm came out, or because I didn't want to do what he did..numerous tiny stupid reasons that to me justified how he would react.
In the end I simply believed "I shouldn't have done...." fill in the blank ..and then he wouldn't have had to hit me.
This would be a good time to mention I had been a volunteer at a woman's shelter in college, I KNEW the signs. I had spent my young adult life defending those who couldn't or wouldn't defend themselves. (I was a 'Mommy' type even then, trying to save the world)To me though, those signs couldn't fit...he loved me, he would never hurt me unless I deserved it...right?
One day he decided to bathe my cat .. a full-grown tom who had never had a bath in his life. I said I would do it because David knew my cat hated him...he insisted and went into the bathroom.
I won't go into details, but he hurt my cat horribly (Einstein did recover and had a new home with friends of mine) because it scratched the everliving shit out of him.
Actually, I have always respected the women I have dated and the women in my life. I guess I have to thank my father teaching me to respect women.
I actually was involved in a domestic violence incident from the third person. I woke up to this thunderous thump on my exterior wall of my house. I looked out the window and saw my neighbor beating and throwing around his girlfriend. At first I thought they were just arguing and he was going to stop.
However, he didn''t....it continued for 15 minutes and then I knew I had to do something...I called 911 and explained to the operator if she did not send help ...it may be too late.
The police came within three minutes...confronted him and he would not let her go. They sprayed pepper spray and they arrested him.
The sad part was that she did not want to press charges but they took him in because he hit one of the officers.
He was in jail for a short time. He actually broke down and promised to get help. He did eventually.
Now, I am happy to report that they are raising four children and are married and own a home in arizona.
Although, I know most cases do not end up with good endings. He understood he had made a horrible mistake and manned up to it.
I never experienced any domestic violence until 2 years ago. Out of no where my mothers attitude started changing. She would yell a lot more and get mad at every little thing. Her and my father started arguing a lot more about money issues, and the fact that my father thought she was having an affair.
Little by little, my mother started getting violent. When her and my father would argue, she would throw shows at him or try to push him. Of course he didn't do anything about it. He would never lay a hand on her. One night, my mother busted into my dads room and starts screaming at him and then starts hitting him with all her strength. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I tried to tell her to stop but she wouldn't listen. I didn't want my dad to get so mad that he would do something back to her. As I was trying to get her stop, she started calling me all these names like "whore" and "bitch". I couldn't believe my own mother was calling me that. Next thing I know it, she is throwing stuff at me, and me and her are fist fighting and kicking. My dad pulled me away from her and that's when I went to call the cops.
She knew I called the cops and immediately got her stuff and left the house. That night, my father, brother and myself left the house. We got a restraining order against her, and she ended up going to jail for a few days on charges of domestic violence. And now my parents are divorced. I use to think only men went to jail for domestic violence, now I know different.
This was my wake-up call. I could defend myself if I had to..my cat only had his teeth and claws, which are not much use against a full grown man. So I told David he had choices, he could go to counseling and tell them everything, if they said nothing was wrong...I would stay, if he went and they said he needed to come back and he did, I would stay..if he didn't go I was leaving. Notice...this was honor system, he refused. I left. I did not get counseling, I felt I was more than capable of dealing with it on my own..I didn't tell my friends, I had no idea how they would react since my family treated me as if it was my fault.
ReplyDeleteHe saw me on a BBS 6 months later and asked if he could call me, I was at a friends and they said sure. The phone call went ok, he asked me to come back..I said no. When I hung up the phone I looked around, there were 8 of us there, 2 girls including me and 6 very, very big guys. Everyone was staring at me as if they wanted to beat my ass into the floor. One of them looked at me, came over and I cringed back in my chair not knowing what to do. He cupped my chin and made me look at him and said "You are still afraid of him and you are a thousand miles away...what did he do to you?" I started crying. I do not know who was more upset that day, me at realizing I needed help, or my friends when they heard the story. I do know that David was a lucky man to be so far away.
5 years later he called me (he had called regularly over those years to say he had changed and it was always bullshit...for heavens sake we had the same friends..I heard the stories) he said he had gotten counseling finally and had changed. He actually had this time, everyone of our mutual friends couldn't believe the changes in him. He asked me to come back and again I told him no. He asked me why? Didn't I love him? Of course I did..so much, he was my first love....but I knew if I went back, every day for the rest of my life I would wonder if today was the day it would all change again...and he would know I was wondering. Not fair to him, not fair to me.
I am not telling this story because I want pity. I grew, I learned, I healed. I became a better counselor for abused women because I GOT it. I knew where they were coming from. I recognize the signs better now, I have helped many women, and they have helped me. I simply felt that maybe with all the posts about abuse...it might help some to understand why we stay. Even the strongest (men or women) can become a victim. If it starts at small things, take notice, draw a line...realize no matter what mistake you made..it never justifies a punch or hurtful verbal attacks. There is a pattern in abusers. Learn it, pay attention and always have someone you can call if you need help getting out.
When I was 12 I fell in love for the first time, no scoffing..I did. I looked up, my heart stopped and I was a goner. David was charming, intelligent, treated me like gold and 13.
ReplyDeleteAt first it was wonderful, we had some minor problems but always things we were able to work through. I went to college at 16, he was still in high school (I had combined years to graduate early, an option he didn't have)which led to the normal teenage angst of how would I get to his prom *grins*, I did and it was a magical night, and we got engaged.
When I turned 18 I moved back to La and moved in with him. So I could go to college there since my residency was New Orleans. As plans go it was great, in reality? It was a disaster.
Little things started setting him off, me chatting with men on BBS', not having dinner ready on time etc. etc. Soon, he was shouting at me, then it was things being thrown at me. Every time I had either done something 'wrong' or I had not done what I should have. I started to believe he was right, I was a screwup.
One day he wouldn't get up for class and I went and grabbed ice and told him to get up or I would use it...he got up. I put the ice back and came back into the room....he was asleep again. Laughing I put my hands on him to shake him awake again...next thing I knew I was hitting a wall and my face was on fire. He had punched me and while I was reeling from that backhanded me. I slid down the wall stunned...I had always sworn NO ONE would ever lay a hand on me in anger.
I am not sure what hurt more that day, my face...or the emotional damage that had caused. He was my life, I loved him with that passion you only find in a first love...and he had hit me.
It was my fault, it had to be. He was right..I shouldn't have touched him with cold hands. I had asked for it. For 6 years it had been perfect, I was willing to do anything to get him to love me that way again. I became quiet, it took two weeks for the bruising to go away so I didn't leave the house claiming I had the flu to friends. Dinner was never late again, I didn't joke about ice, I tended to him first when the cat would scratch him (if I took care of my scared cat first...he tormented my cat and said I loved the cat more than him). My whole life revolved around not making him angry again...and when i did, it was always because my natural sarcasm came out, or because I didn't want to do what he did..numerous tiny stupid reasons that to me justified how he would react.
In the end I simply believed "I shouldn't have done...." fill in the blank ..and then he wouldn't have had to hit me.
This would be a good time to mention I had been a volunteer at a woman's shelter in college, I KNEW the signs. I had spent my young adult life defending those who couldn't or wouldn't defend themselves. (I was a 'Mommy' type even then, trying to save the world)To me though, those signs couldn't fit...he loved me, he would never hurt me unless I deserved it...right?
One day he decided to bathe my cat .. a full-grown tom who had never had a bath in his life. I said I would do it because David knew my cat hated him...he insisted and went into the bathroom.
I won't go into details, but he hurt my cat horribly (Einstein did recover and had a new home with friends of mine) because it scratched the everliving shit out of him.
cont. next post
Actually, I have always respected the women I have dated and the women in my life. I guess I have to thank my father teaching me to respect women.
ReplyDeleteI actually was involved in a domestic violence incident from the third person. I woke up to this thunderous thump on my exterior wall of my house. I looked out the window and saw my neighbor beating and throwing around his girlfriend. At first I thought they were just arguing and he was going to stop.
However, he didn''t....it continued for 15 minutes and then I knew I had to do something...I called 911 and explained to the operator if she did not send help ...it may be too late.
The police came within three minutes...confronted him and he would not let her go. They sprayed pepper spray and they arrested him.
The sad part was that she did not want to press charges but they took him in because he hit one of the officers.
He was in jail for a short time. He actually broke down and promised to get help. He did eventually.
Now, I am happy to report that they are raising four children and are married and own a home in arizona.
Although, I know most cases do not end up with good endings. He understood he had made a horrible mistake and manned up to it.
I never experienced any domestic violence until 2 years ago. Out of no where my mothers attitude started changing. She would yell a lot more and get mad at every little thing. Her and my father started arguing a lot more about money issues, and the fact that my father thought she was having an affair.
ReplyDeleteLittle by little, my mother started getting violent. When her and my father would argue, she would throw shows at him or try to push him. Of course he didn't do anything about it. He would never lay a hand on her. One night, my mother busted into my dads room and starts screaming at him and then starts hitting him with all her strength. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I tried to tell her to stop but she wouldn't listen. I didn't want my dad to get so mad that he would do something back to her. As I was trying to get her stop, she started calling me all these names like "whore" and "bitch". I couldn't believe my own mother was calling me that. Next thing I know it, she is throwing stuff at me, and me and her are fist fighting and kicking. My dad pulled me away from her and that's when I went to call the cops.
She knew I called the cops and immediately got her stuff and left the house. That night, my father, brother and myself left the house. We got a restraining order against her, and she ended up going to jail for a few days on charges of domestic violence. And now my parents are divorced. I use to think only men went to jail for domestic violence, now I know different.